Whether it was just the fruition of my own apprehension, or an actual get me out of this room discussion. It seemed they wanted me off the respirator and out of the room. They came and took ex rays of my lungs and such and decided to remove it, after a second set of ex rays actually. Where technically the female rugby drop out of a technician sort of roughed me up. Pulled me forward slid plate behind, when done, took plate and sort of just let me fall back heavily. This knocked the tube in my mouth and nose a bit. In fact I recall something being broken.
Look, I'm not going into the respirator removal. Yes it is a little unpleasant, but hell it's just plain wonderful to have it out.
The concern was now to have me breath normally. Somehow this was not a thing I comprehended easily. Not to fast, not to slow, "you don't want to have to go back on..." they said.
So for awhile I was concerned with every little breath I took. Go figure. Speech was slightly possible, raw of throat, exhaustion, and of course remembering to breathe. I was under observation for awhile. Breathing as normally as I thought I could. People of medical aspects came and went. I breathed.
They even began leaving my hands untied, while they were about me, which was nice. I'd become so accustomed that I'd remind them to tie them when they'd leave. Breathing was getting easier to master. Memories and the time line are going to blur together for me a bit. I'm going to stop here.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Observations.
I sit here, actually wondering how I can recall so much of this clearly. This is unusual for me. Oh and we've passed my year anniversary of this said surgery. I will say I'm enjoying putting this down. Though the timeline may seem off, it does for me.
The memories of what transpired are still there. And it gets better. Understand I don't mean to say I think on this every day. As a writer, or a frustrated writer, I do love a story. Stories that go unwritten always stay with me, until the end. Maybe this is why I have retained so much of this. I am enjoying writing this and hope some one will read, and maybe even find it useful or entertaining at the least.
The memories of what transpired are still there. And it gets better. Understand I don't mean to say I think on this every day. As a writer, or a frustrated writer, I do love a story. Stories that go unwritten always stay with me, until the end. Maybe this is why I have retained so much of this. I am enjoying writing this and hope some one will read, and maybe even find it useful or entertaining at the least.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Moving along
The room seemed small. I must say that I believe this was my second week, of course there was no way to measure time. The crew that was there were terrific. Even trying to communicate with me. Perhaps it was all the anesthesia, I truly don't know.
Monitor was to my left. Door was my right. In front of me was wall and a flat screen television. To the left of the television I thought were windows and also on the left side.
Some pulmonary Dr.s and assistants came, there were talking about removing the respirator in a day or two. I was even given a board on which I tried to write. Normally my writing is chicken scratch, but with arms tied even worse. In my nose also was a tube, some vile green looking substance. I assume it was green, and I assumed it was mucus. It turned out to be a feeding thing, why that color I'll never know. But grossed me out immensely. It also answers why I was pooping so much. Bless my body and the way it is.
I recall one day a woman walking through, she was not a nurse. Seemed annoyed I was in the room and one of the nurses commented on it. She came back and I vaguely recall that she was stern. Something about how she was in charge of an event that was happening and it was a mass benefit to the hospital and such. She wanted me out of my room. Another oddity, I remember a UPS driver. Now no UPS driver would be making deliveries to ICU, but it was for the event. Weirder still, I thought it was the dude that comes to my work site.
No I never asked, it made no sense. See I work 20 minutes from the hospital, in another county, and he would not be there. It was then I saw the dude with glasses, no not mine, he wore glasses. Wanted to know why I was there and had not been removed from the respirator. I didn't much like him. He seemed to yell at the head pulmonary Dr. and I thought I heard yelling. Later there was a heavy set man at the monitors on my left. He was doing something with my monitors. In my mind erasing history, but I'm not sure. There was some more lively discussion about my coming off the respirator.
Monitor was to my left. Door was my right. In front of me was wall and a flat screen television. To the left of the television I thought were windows and also on the left side.
Some pulmonary Dr.s and assistants came, there were talking about removing the respirator in a day or two. I was even given a board on which I tried to write. Normally my writing is chicken scratch, but with arms tied even worse. In my nose also was a tube, some vile green looking substance. I assume it was green, and I assumed it was mucus. It turned out to be a feeding thing, why that color I'll never know. But grossed me out immensely. It also answers why I was pooping so much. Bless my body and the way it is.
I recall one day a woman walking through, she was not a nurse. Seemed annoyed I was in the room and one of the nurses commented on it. She came back and I vaguely recall that she was stern. Something about how she was in charge of an event that was happening and it was a mass benefit to the hospital and such. She wanted me out of my room. Another oddity, I remember a UPS driver. Now no UPS driver would be making deliveries to ICU, but it was for the event. Weirder still, I thought it was the dude that comes to my work site.
No I never asked, it made no sense. See I work 20 minutes from the hospital, in another county, and he would not be there. It was then I saw the dude with glasses, no not mine, he wore glasses. Wanted to know why I was there and had not been removed from the respirator. I didn't much like him. He seemed to yell at the head pulmonary Dr. and I thought I heard yelling. Later there was a heavy set man at the monitors on my left. He was doing something with my monitors. In my mind erasing history, but I'm not sure. There was some more lively discussion about my coming off the respirator.
And it continues....
The blond nurse, not sure if I've mentioned her before. I was in a little more of a ward environment, in my fogginess. She'd deliver the message. At times she'd brush my teeth, apparently some sort of pneumonia prevention. I can recall, oddly, the need of a bed pan. In fact on my brother in law and sisters second visit, I was desperately trying to use it. I remember being told they were outside. Not sure of anything else.
Now this must surely be fog, but it is my memory. The blond woman was watching another nurses 2 kids at her station. Needing attention and bed pan, I was denied. I sunk into another abyss.
I awoke in a war torn place in my bed. It felt like an office building. There were windows, I was sure war. On either side stood nurses in what I was sure was Mideastern garb. For some reason I felt I'd been convicted wrongly and they were going to give me a vasectomy. I was frightened as none spoke to me. At some point I recall being....rescued.
I awoke in a new room. Solitary again. But this was newer and the nurses spoke to me. As I've stated, try as I could to communicate, they simply couldn't understand me with the respirator in. This must have been my second week in either CCU or ICU. But they were friendly. In fact I remember one being aghast that I'd not been cleaned at all and took the time to do that. I was gratefully.
I had a nurse stationed outside of my room. I was now beginning to actually sleep, the sinking sensation had slowly, reluctantly begun to loose its grip upon me. Still without my glasses. Lots of blurs. This is what I seemed to know of my surroundings.
I was in a ward type. There was a desk outside, and something that seemed to resemble a walk in fridge beyond that. I began to think there was ice cream there. Odd huh? Still confined to bed, couldn't see, respirator, but glad the sinking had abated.
Now this must surely be fog, but it is my memory. The blond woman was watching another nurses 2 kids at her station. Needing attention and bed pan, I was denied. I sunk into another abyss.
I awoke in a war torn place in my bed. It felt like an office building. There were windows, I was sure war. On either side stood nurses in what I was sure was Mideastern garb. For some reason I felt I'd been convicted wrongly and they were going to give me a vasectomy. I was frightened as none spoke to me. At some point I recall being....rescued.
I awoke in a new room. Solitary again. But this was newer and the nurses spoke to me. As I've stated, try as I could to communicate, they simply couldn't understand me with the respirator in. This must have been my second week in either CCU or ICU. But they were friendly. In fact I remember one being aghast that I'd not been cleaned at all and took the time to do that. I was gratefully.
I had a nurse stationed outside of my room. I was now beginning to actually sleep, the sinking sensation had slowly, reluctantly begun to loose its grip upon me. Still without my glasses. Lots of blurs. This is what I seemed to know of my surroundings.
I was in a ward type. There was a desk outside, and something that seemed to resemble a walk in fridge beyond that. I began to think there was ice cream there. Odd huh? Still confined to bed, couldn't see, respirator, but glad the sinking had abated.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Through the wabbit hole.....
I changed rooms yet again. This time however, I had a back story. I was on the main street of my town and went to the Dr.'s office. The building of course being across the street from my Dr. in actuality, actually across and down to the north a little I think.
It was dark. The floor had running lights, cordoned off from the chairs in the waiting room. I was going to be left here. I panicked a tad.
In the land of coherence and reality, something was going on around me. Desperately in the same dark room I tried to communicate with the nurse I could see behind me. The is no coherence for speaking with a tube down your throat. The nurse was a soft faced woman with glasses, not the blond yet, frizzy hair and truly tried to understand.
Panicked as I was. I needed to know where I was. I needed to be in a hospital. Not left in an office that closes for the night. I tried to convey where was I? Can I see some ID so I can at least rest. The woman did her best. She had no idea what I was going through but she was calming, just doing her rounds I reckon now. I was however terrified.
My surroundings were unfamiliar. I was convinced I was in an office. And I wanted out. I must've just plain tired myself out and sunk into that abyss that I'd been going to, in a wonderfully terrified state.
I'm going to end it here. The next set needs a little set up I think. We are far from over yet.
It was dark. The floor had running lights, cordoned off from the chairs in the waiting room. I was going to be left here. I panicked a tad.
In the land of coherence and reality, something was going on around me. Desperately in the same dark room I tried to communicate with the nurse I could see behind me. The is no coherence for speaking with a tube down your throat. The nurse was a soft faced woman with glasses, not the blond yet, frizzy hair and truly tried to understand.
Panicked as I was. I needed to know where I was. I needed to be in a hospital. Not left in an office that closes for the night. I tried to convey where was I? Can I see some ID so I can at least rest. The woman did her best. She had no idea what I was going through but she was calming, just doing her rounds I reckon now. I was however terrified.
My surroundings were unfamiliar. I was convinced I was in an office. And I wanted out. I must've just plain tired myself out and sunk into that abyss that I'd been going to, in a wonderfully terrified state.
I'm going to end it here. The next set needs a little set up I think. We are far from over yet.
Foggy dreamins.....
Might I mention I've no idea if there was a television in my rooms yet or if one was even on. The dream of the 'toilet' room was of course odd. On a spaceship. Piloted by rabbits. Evil rabbits. No can't remember if I was one of them. But they had the notable goal of wanting to....ready for it.....take over the world.
Also of note, they moved in slow motion. For those would understand the reference, kind of like 6 million dollar man slow, just when he began to run, and they'd give you that music to kind of say 'HEY BIONIC MAN IS RUNNING'. Anyway.
No conclusion, started to try to fight the sinking sensation more, to no avail. Back to another room. Quite frankly I do still believe I was moved quite a bit. At first seemed to be the room with 4 beds, now 2. Some sort of foggy dream of party or gala going on downstairs. There was a pool outside my window, can still vaguely recall it.
Like one of those resort balconies almost. But was an elevator. I know it was a club scene because of the music and my actually descending through this place.
At some point, had to be the weekend, my brother in law and sister apparently visited me. I was still so foggy. The only part I recall is giving her the finger on the way out. A personal thing. According to her she was tickling my tied down arm in order to get a reaction from me. She also wanted a thumbs up.
The thumbs up was a personal thing between me and my parents. I guess even my subconscious knew that I wasn't going to give them that. Of course my brother in law assured my sister that I gave them a thumbs up as he wheeled her away, but she didn't see it. I don't recall that, the finger yes, that I recall. As I said my daily contact was that annoying message, didn't change, and one nurse I'll cover next entry, said in a heinously mocking way. So it didn't cheer me at all.
Dang I've time this morning, and this stuff is flowing. Just for noting, it was somewhere near 4 in the morning when I started up again here. Not what ever time they offer.
Also of note, they moved in slow motion. For those would understand the reference, kind of like 6 million dollar man slow, just when he began to run, and they'd give you that music to kind of say 'HEY BIONIC MAN IS RUNNING'. Anyway.
No conclusion, started to try to fight the sinking sensation more, to no avail. Back to another room. Quite frankly I do still believe I was moved quite a bit. At first seemed to be the room with 4 beds, now 2. Some sort of foggy dream of party or gala going on downstairs. There was a pool outside my window, can still vaguely recall it.
Like one of those resort balconies almost. But was an elevator. I know it was a club scene because of the music and my actually descending through this place.
At some point, had to be the weekend, my brother in law and sister apparently visited me. I was still so foggy. The only part I recall is giving her the finger on the way out. A personal thing. According to her she was tickling my tied down arm in order to get a reaction from me. She also wanted a thumbs up.
The thumbs up was a personal thing between me and my parents. I guess even my subconscious knew that I wasn't going to give them that. Of course my brother in law assured my sister that I gave them a thumbs up as he wheeled her away, but she didn't see it. I don't recall that, the finger yes, that I recall. As I said my daily contact was that annoying message, didn't change, and one nurse I'll cover next entry, said in a heinously mocking way. So it didn't cheer me at all.
Dang I've time this morning, and this stuff is flowing. Just for noting, it was somewhere near 4 in the morning when I started up again here. Not what ever time they offer.
What dreams may come.....
Without my glasses, unable to communicate with a respirator tube down my throat, I peered out of the anesthetic. No recollection at all of the recovery room. Like a floater on a fishing line that at the waters surface I came and went.
First memories. I would literally sink a feeling I loathe when over tired. I couldn't distinguish it at first but at some point I did. Consciousness, then the sinking feeling where I could feel myself even dropping 'through the floor' of myself. There was no fighting it or the dreams that came.
Seem to recall a room. 4 beds. I was the only patient. Slowly it seemed to become like an ante room to a club at the hospital. I can still recall the table to the upper right of me. (lying down, feet forward, just for atmosphere you know.) Even remember them leaving keys, some sort of tape, and knife that I wanted to keep. The room clears I'm watching the keys. Consciousness briefly.
At these points I felt helpless. Every day I'd get a message from my sister that said; "she loved me very much and missed me terribly" It was irritating and annoying and I couldn't stand it. This was my daily contact for awhile. I just wanted to be told information, couldn't ask because of tube down my throat. Couldn't write yet because of hands being tied, yes tied. To the side of each railing. Not tightly or painfully, just frustratingly enough later on.
They were necessary. No explanation was offered if I ever tried to disconnect myself. And if so, when they explained I was to mired in the fogs to discern it all.
At another point I awoke in a tiny room. Seemed disgusting, remember a presence. The room looked like it was under construction. Off not far to my left was a solitary toilet. Very weird.
I will end this post here. Think you are getting the flavor of it.
First memories. I would literally sink a feeling I loathe when over tired. I couldn't distinguish it at first but at some point I did. Consciousness, then the sinking feeling where I could feel myself even dropping 'through the floor' of myself. There was no fighting it or the dreams that came.
Seem to recall a room. 4 beds. I was the only patient. Slowly it seemed to become like an ante room to a club at the hospital. I can still recall the table to the upper right of me. (lying down, feet forward, just for atmosphere you know.) Even remember them leaving keys, some sort of tape, and knife that I wanted to keep. The room clears I'm watching the keys. Consciousness briefly.
At these points I felt helpless. Every day I'd get a message from my sister that said; "she loved me very much and missed me terribly" It was irritating and annoying and I couldn't stand it. This was my daily contact for awhile. I just wanted to be told information, couldn't ask because of tube down my throat. Couldn't write yet because of hands being tied, yes tied. To the side of each railing. Not tightly or painfully, just frustratingly enough later on.
They were necessary. No explanation was offered if I ever tried to disconnect myself. And if so, when they explained I was to mired in the fogs to discern it all.
At another point I awoke in a tiny room. Seemed disgusting, remember a presence. The room looked like it was under construction. Off not far to my left was a solitary toilet. Very weird.
I will end this post here. Think you are getting the flavor of it.
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